The Average Jane Journal #69 - I Am Sick of Me

Have you ever gotten sick of yourself?

A few nights ago I was lying in bed starting to go to sleep. I don't know about you but this is when I reevaluate my day, and mostly meditate on how jacked up I am because of my failures that day.

Well on this particular night I found myself saying "i am sick of me". Pretty much every night it's the same issues/failures, and I finally had had enough. Of course in my jacked up, critical mind, that just started making me feel worse about myself. It was so overwhelming to think about all the changes needed to get out of the same rut I've been in forever.

But then I had a good thought, a great thought. My Father never gets sick of me!! Yes He will need to discipline me, give me a little kick sometimes, show me my errors; but He never stops loving me. I imagine it hurting Him to see me hurting like that, I imagine a big hug and sitting in His lap for some healing time. It hurts our Father to see what we let sin do to us, not only because we are choosing sins over Him but also because we are hurting ourselves. His love for me doesn't want to see me bashing myself all the time. Sure God can use it when we are reviewing our lives and wanting to change, but I was past that. I was letting the enemy in and sinking into my failures instead of trying to get above them.

I haven't totally gotten over this "place", but God is using those 5 words to remind me of His love and not what the enemy intended those words for.

The Average Jane Journal #68 - Inner Beauty

I have a confession to make: I have been a little stressed over outward appearance lately. I have noticed the last few weeks that I have been worried about my hair, using make up, what clothes to wear,etc. This comes from a good thing in my life, but I have let the worry of outward appearance scar this good thing in my life. Let me explain: I have had to take pictures for a book cover and new ministry project that I have become involved with. As I love the ministry and what it might become in my life someday, I have worried about these pictures more then is usual for me. I guess the thought of having your picture forever on a book cover would be normal for any woman to want to look her best; which is not wrong. But for me I can tell I am letting it bother me more then it should. I have always had a "laid back" and "like me for me" type of attitude. But then again, I have never had to think about public figure pictures before. :)

So tonight as I turned to one of the studies I'm doing called "Lies Women Believe", wouldn't you know it was on the subject of Lasting Beauty. That was the confirmation I needed showing me this is something that is not right in my life right now. Yes it is just a simple picture, but I am allowing myself to turn it into worry. I know there is nothing wrong with wanting to look our best, and all women are going to want to spruce up for a special picture. But the problem is how much time and worry I am devoting to it; it is just not my normal behavior. I have never been a "girlie girl", not that that is wrong, but for me it is out of character and that is how I know I'm not having a healthy attitude right now towards my outward appearance.

Tonight I was shown a verse that I have read many times but with a different eye. "when the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it." Genesis 3:6

Not only did Satan appeal to her desire for wisdom but also got her to value physical appearance. So our culture's fixation with physical beauty goes all the way back to Eve and the first temptation. It wasn't wrong to think the fruit was beautiful, it was the priority she placed on the appearance that helped lead her into sin. I just thought that was a cool "eye opener" that maybe God was just using on me tonight.

The lies that Satan uses on us regarding outward beauty can make us desire outward beauty over inner beauty. "comparison, envy, competitiveness, promiscuity, sexual addictions, eating disorders, immodest dress, flirtatious behavior-the list of attitudes and behaviors rooted in a false view of beauty is long. What can set women free from this bondage? Only the Truth can overcome the lies we have believed. God's Word tells us the Truth about the transitory nature of physical beauty and the importance of pursuing lasting, inner beauty:"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30 (quote by Nancy Leigh DeMoss)

So again there is nothing wrong with outward beauty, and desiring to look your best, it is giving excessive attention to outward beauty that can cause us to stumble. If we put desire for outward beauty over inner beauty, that is where we cross the line. I need to start concentrating more on "prettying up" my heart. So after tonight's lesson I'm asking myself where is my concern for "gentle and quiet spirit" (1 peter 3:3-5), "fear of the Lord" (proverbs 31:30), "good deeds, worship God" (1 Timothy 2:9-10), etc?

The Truth is that God looks for my inner beauty..."Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7)So as I'm taking my next picture I'm hoping to think about how God sees my growing inner beauty and not worry about what others will think about my outward appearance; and focus on the ministry itself that we are taking the pictures for and all those women we hope to help someday soon.

Think I can talk the ministry into just letting me use a picture of that beautiful fruit that God created in place of my picture? :)

The Average Jane Journal #67 - Bible Reading Plan

Well, I'm a few days late but Happy New Year!! Can you believe it?

Today my new Bible finally came in the mail!! I have been wanting a Message version, so I bought myself one for Christmas-and it's bright pink. Y'all know pink is a Godly color right?!

Last year was the third year for me to read the Bible, and I have to admit the last month of December I didn't do too well. I wanted a different reading plan this year and with a suggestion from a friend, I found one. I am going to try reading the Bible this year in chronological order. If you are interested there is a website that lists what to read each day, that way you can use the Bible you already have instead of purchasing a chronological Bible. If you're interested the website is:
http://www.ewordtoday.com/year/65/cjan01.htm.

I would love to hear what everyone else does for their reading plan of the Bible or quiet time with God. I love hearing suggestions.

Y'all have a great year with God. Don't forget how special you are to Him, you are His treasure.

The Average Jane Journal #66 - You Go God!!

As most of you know I have a new job, thank you Lord. As I think back to when this journey started, which seems like FOREVER; I'm reminded of how I wanted this journey to glorify God. Also a couple of friends reminded me about my list of things I wanted in a job that I prayerfully gave God over two years ago. They wanted to know if and how many prayers on the list were fulfilled. So as I have been pondering on that list and being amazed and ever so thankful what God has blessed me with, I thought what an awesome way to show God's glory by sharing that list with you and letting you see GOD. Please keep in mind this list was made prayerfully, to me it wasn't just a "christmas list". I truly wanted the other side of this journey to show God's hand and no one be able to see my hand in it at all.

MY PRAYER JOB LIST 8/6/2007

1. Close by home. This is a definite "yes" answer, I work about 5 minutes from my house - about 1-2 miles. This has been awesome during snow days. I can also come home on lunch break if I desire; which was nice when Jackson was home during the summer. Working close to home was a big deal to me because my last job was 45 minutes one way. I love working in my own town, my own community and not stressing so much during the snow.

2. Job I can do well and love. I have been at Wal-Mart for a year now, but for more than 11 months I was a cashier. I cannot say that I loved and did that job well. But my new position in the cash office, I do love and hope to do it well once I have learned everything. I have always loved office work, and that is what I dreamed of doing again.

3. Perfect timing. I'm not sure if God has shown me this one or not, but one thing does come to mind. The past 3-4 months have been very much a time of healing for me; including counseling and medication. I had some things to figure out with God to help me see Him differently. My counseling ended a few weeks before I was offered my new position and I was dealing with work a lot better then. I didn't even know this new position was coming, but I was having better days at work. I was finally living in the truth of how much I was loved by God and that I wasn't worthless and a failure at everything I did. So for a little while, when I was still a cashier I had found some peace with my job. So when this new position came along and I am so much happier at work now, I know it wasn't just because I got a new job. I know it was God's hand in putting me where I needed to be to get the help I needed. I'm thankful that I did not get this new job before I started feeling better. I'm thankful that God let me see that my life is not joyful because of a job I love; I know my joy comes from Him. I am thankful I saw the Giver, and not the gift.

4. Easy-go atmosphere. This may seem unimportant to you, but my last job that I had been at for over 13 years had this quality and I loved it very much. I enjoyed feeling comfortable, not that I didn't do my work but I am just not one of those people that could have a very stressful job. My new job is very much like this, I pretty much work by myself all day long; which is probably for the best because I sing ALL the time. :)

5. Be around for Jackson. This has been very important to me because my son is in 11th grade and he might not be home much longer. Before losing my last job, I was used to working weekdays and having nights and weekends off. So it was hard for me to adjust to a schedule that was always different and had me working sometimes till evening. Now I'm home every weeknight, and the days I do work during the week I'm off at 3; perfect time to get home before him.

6. Glorify God. I've touched on this a little bit already, and how I wanted this job journey to show only God's hand. It is just amazing how things have worked out, I never dreamed I would find the job I love at the place I was already working. I just can't believe I am happy at the place I have HATED for 11 months. That is only God's doing, once He started healing my heart and mind things just fell into place.

7. Use my passion. When I wrote this one, I meant doing something workwise that matches the passions God has given me. So on this one, I don't know yet or if it will be answered. I'm trying to be more passionate about the people I work with, so maybe that has something to do with it.

8. God-given dream. When I wrote this one I wanted to know my purpose and dreamed of whatever job I get to have something to do with my purpose. But I know I still have a purpose and still can find my God-given dream, it doesn't have to be my job. We all have a purpose and only a small percent of us actually have a job that deals with our purpose. But it was cool dreaming that I could somehow provide for my family while living my God-given dream. I'm still dreaming though.

9. More money-be good steward. Did I mention I work at Wal-Mart? :) So this one wasn't answered but I'm totally fine with it. I would have taken this new position without the tiny raise that came with it. I would much rather be happy and enjoy what I do than have lots of money. After the miserable year I just went through, I can testify that peace, joy, and love is so much better than money. God provides for us, and that is enough for me. Well, I guess this one was answered in one way.I had no job for quite awhile, before wal-mart, so in that way this job is more money. :) ( I was unemployed for about 5 1/2 months) I just thought of that while writing this, thanks God for showing me that one. The good steward part is always an ongoing journey for me, it's a day by day battle.

10. Off on nights and weekends. Again this was a schedule I was used to working for over 13 years, so I just assumed it had to be that way again. When I was a cashier I worked Saturdays but never worked Sundays. When this new position came along they told me I would have to work both Sat/Sun from 1pm - 10pm. At first, I was totally against it but then I remembered how long I had been praying for a better job and I figured I better keep going through the door till God closed it. Now that I have the job, I only work 6-10 on Sat/Sun and I LOVE those shifts. It almost like having a whole day off, plus my three whole days off. So I'm home every weeknight with my son, and on Sunday nights he is not home anyway. So really only Saturday night is the only night that I'm not home with him. I see that as pretty amazing, and that God worked it all out great. I actually enjoy having days off during the week because I can do so many things with my girlfriends while Jackson is at school. I totally LOVE my schedule, and that is a God thing.

Thank you for letting me show you part of my journey and allow me to glorify God with this list I presented to Him over two years ago. Isn't it always amazing once you're on the other side of the mountain and you look back at all the almost "wrong turns". I think back to how upset I got over certain jobs that I didn't get and I can see now those weren't meant for me. Plus, I see how working at Wal-Mart was all part of my healing process, it wasn't the root of my problems but it brought my problems out. Then I got the help I needed, spiritually and medically. It was all God, and all I desire is that He is seen in my life. HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!

The Average Jane Journal #65 - Suggested Book

"The Search for Significance" by Robert S McGee


I have only done chapter one of this book/workbook but I kept getting this feeling to spread the word about this book. If you have even the tiniest bit of self-worth issues-depending on relationships for worth, getting jealous of relationships, trying to be somebody you're not around others, looking for worth in success, needing material things and money, people pleaser, not good enough for God's love, needing attention to feel worthy, being a good enough mom, God can never use someone like you, etc; then this book is for you. Like I said, I felt like I should tell you about this book-even if it was just for one of you.

"Search for Significance should be ready by every Christian" BILLY GRAHAM

Make sure if you look into getting this book, that you get the book and workbook edition. I got mine on half.com but I heard they had them at Barnes & Nobles. I think you will get more out of it with the workbook part; it comes together in one book. I had trouble finding it at first, so make sure the front says Book & Workbook. Enjoy your journey if you choose to take it. If you ever want to share anything you learn about yourself, I would love to hear it. I sooo love God stories!!!

The Average Jane Journal #64 - Comments on Last Two Journals

Well, it wasn't my intention but the last two journals ended up being related; at least in my life.

The first one spoke about my issues with pride and the newest journal spoke about our greatest fear. I was speaking to a friend about how I worry about pride and she told me that I'm fearing something that hasn't happened. So, now I'm thinking that maybe my issues with pride is something the enemy holds me down with.

I still have a great fear of failure, as mentioned in the newest journal-but I also fear pride. I have other fears, but I was just mentioning fears I have in living for God everyday. I am looking at my fear of pride in a different way now, or at least trying to. I have lived with it for so long, it is hard to change my view of it somedays.

I have a desire to do great things for my Lord, but I also have so many things holding me back; such as my fears, sins, etc. I want to daily take the next step to enable me to do tomorrow what I can't do today. And one of those steps is to deal with fears and sins. Do you ever think about getting to Heaven one day and imagine being able to see what "assignments" you missed out on here on Earth, and seeing the blessings you missed out on? I think about that sometimes and it saddens me, so I want to better myself to "see/hear" my Godly assignments and step forward through my fears.

As far as a line between pride and feeling proud of my accomplishments, I think it all comes down to my heart. Am I boasting in myself or in Christ?

"Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." 2 Corinthians 10:17 (NIV)


lyrics by Brandon Heath

There is hope, for me yet, because God won't forget,
all the plans he's made for me
I have to wait and see, he's not finished with me yet,
he's not finished with me yet

Still wonerin' why I'm here. Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... He's up to something,
And the farther out I go, I've seen enough to know
that I'm not here for nothin'
He's up to somethin'

The Average Jane Journal #63 - Greatest Fear

What is your greatest fear?

I can admit that my fear is failure.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT

What hard thing does God want you to do to complete His assignment or to get you in the place you need to be to start His assignment?

"I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 NIV

What can you do today to enable you to do tomorrow what you can't do today?

So again, what is your greatest fear? I like this quote from the movie "Coach Carter".

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

Now of course this quote is from a basketball movie, but we are "powerful beyond measure". We have the same power living in us that raised Christ from the grave. So, I ask you, are you "playing small"? Don't let the fear of failure hold you back. I love how the quote says our being liberated from our own fears will help others with their fear. It could be a chain reaction, touching your circle and their circle, etc.